“Only in movies do 82-year-old men escape from a maximum-security prison,” said a JAG official when asked by Best News to comment on whether Paul Pelosi had escaped from Guantanamo Bay to reunite with his beloved wife, Nancy—only to find himself the victim of a vicious assault.
Yesterday news of the alleged assault dominated broadcast television. As the story went, a raggedy hemp worker wearing only underwear smashed a glass door to Pelosi’s $6m San Francisco home and subdued Paul Pelosi, striking him mercilessly on the head with a hammer while shouting “Where’s Nancy? Where’s Nancy?” in a maniacal rage.
The ‘suspect’ was quickly identified as hemp jewelry maker David DePape, 42, an unhinged Canadian nudist who purportedly struggled with drug addiction and insanity. Cops said they were at the property in the exclusive Pacific Heights neighborhood when they saw the suspect grapple with Pelosi, take the hammer and then hit him with it, causing severe head, arm, and hand injuries.
“It’s possible someone was attacked—Nancy’s been known to hire male escorts. If there was an attack, it wasn’t on Paul Pelosi. It wasn’t Paul Pelosi because he’s incarcerated at GITMO,” a JAG source told RRN.
Paul Pelosi, he assured BNH, has not absconded from justice. He became a lifelong resident at GITMO’s Camp Delta detention block after a military tribunal in early September found him guilty of child sex crimes. At the time, he apologized for his crimes and said years of spousal abuse had driven him mad. He implied that prison was preferable to spending anther day with Nancy.
JAG sources believe the “hammer attack” is an October Surprise, a well-orchestrated False Flag event designed to illicit sympathy for Democrats and leftists ahead of the impending midterm elections. Immediately after the attack the liberal media tried to tangentially link the assailant to President Trump, citing the man’s social media. His social media showed he challenged the official Covid narrative, the validity of the 2020 election, and the January 6th events on Capitol Hill. MSNBC mouthpiece Chris Hayes said President Trump “gave birth” to people like David DePape.
“The Deep State controls social media. They can engineer anything they want,” our source said. “So far, we haven’t seen a single image or video of the attack, but I have no doubt we’ll soon be shown pictures of a bloody and beaten guy wearing a prosthetic Paul Pelosi mask. I guess they forgot to fabricate it in advance,” our said.
“We see two possibilities: either some poor sap—but not Paul—did get his skull caved in, or the whole damn thing is theatrics. The Deep State, though, again made a critical error—the guy’s looks and lifestyle are not those of a typical Trump supporter; in fact, they’re antithetical,” our source went on.
He also said it’s highly unlikely a random lunatic could penetrate security on the Pelosi home.
“We know from past surveillance that the Pelosi house has armed security, even when Nancy’s not there,” he said.
JAG, he added, will not investigate the attack. They are satisfied Paul Pelosi, the real Paul Pelosi, is where he belongs—incarcerated and living his final years as a model prisoner.
“If this DePape really was there for Nancy, it’s a shame she wasn’t home. He could have saved us a lot of trouble,” our source said in closing.